


armin fucks a toaster oven (gone wrong)

by levisleftthigh69 (diosleftthigh69)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Baking, Bongs, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Burning, Burns, Cocaine, Coming In Pants, Coming Untouched, Cornbread, Crack, Drugs, Fire, Horse Jean Kirstein, Hot, Hot Sex, Making Out, Mentioned Big Chungus, Other, Poor Life Choices, Scents & Smells, Sloppy Makeouts, Stupidity, Toaster Oven - Freeform, Top Armin Arlert, Vore, Walmart, crackfic, idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 08:34:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29681250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/diosleftthigh69/pseuds/levisleftthigh69
Summary: armin thinks the toaster oven is hot and makes love to it and gets turns into cornbreadspoilers for the end of season 3 i guess???
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Toaster Oven
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	armin fucks a toaster oven (gone wrong)

**Author's Note:**

> this was inspired by the time i burnt a taco shell in the toaster oven and it was charred and flat and the whole house smelt like burnt taco shell and it reminded me of armin 
> 
> this was last week

one day armin was making out with BLACK+DECKER 8-Slice Extra-Wide Stainless Steel/Black Convection Countertop Toaster Oven, Stainless Steel, TO3250XSB at his local walmart. "wow!! armin likey!!" he panted like a dog and ran his hand down the toaster oven's glass door. armin immediately fell in love with it. he needed to buy it for two very important reasons: 1) he is sexually attracted to it, and 2) he broke the last one and levi told him to replace it. "you are so beautiful BLACK+DECKER 8-Slice Extra-Wide Stainless Steel/Black Convection Countertop Toaster Oven, Stainless Steel, TO3250XSB!! i can't wait to stick my dick inside you..." he said menacingly and suggestively. armin carried the sexy toaster oven to the check out counter and gave the cashier counterfeit money that levi gave him. "sir, _levi bucks_ is insufficient currency you need to pay with real cash..." said the cashier snottily. then armin took the toaster oven and ran out of the store while yelling, "THANK YOU HAVE A NICE DAY!!" he bolted out of the store and got on his horse and galloped home. "hey armin i’m getting paid for this right?" the horse said. "shut the fuck up jean horses don't talk!" armin said and whipped him. "whoops my bad, neeeigh." jean corrected himself. "yeah that's right you stinky horse girl." armin said to his horse.

after an hour of carrying armin on his back, jean fucking died. "goddamn it jean." armin said and walked the rest of the way. "hello incels i have returned from my treacherous quest." armin announced spectacularly while carrying his brand new BLACK+DECKER 8-Slice Extra-Wide Stainless Steel/Black Convection Countertop Toaster Oven, Stainless Steel, TO3250XSB. “how can it be treacherous you literally went to walmart and came back.” eren said. “shut up eren or i will spin a fidget spinner so hard you die of secondhand embarrassment.” armin threatened. eren was intimidated by this but decided to continue the conversation as normal. “wow armin what is that?" asked he. "it's a toaster oven you imbecile." armin aggressively placed the toaster oven on the countertop and plugged it in. "how do we have electricity if we live in the olden days?" connie asked using the half of a brain cell he shares with sasha. "big chungus." armin opened the toaster oven and took a fat whiff of the inside. "mmmmm new toaster oven smell..." he came as he smelled the toaster oven. "you're one crazy bitch." sasha said to armin. "yeah that's right. bow down before i, armin arlert! or you will be sent to a prison full of rats and the most disgusting smelling scented candles!" armin threatened menacingly. "c’mon let's go do crack, sasha." connie said and left with sasha. eren left too, he wanted to get in on that crack action.

"hee hee hee!! it's just you and me BLACK+DECKER 8-Slice Extra-Wide Stainless Steel/Black Convection Countertop Toaster Oven, Stainless Steel, TO3250XSB, i'm gonna do so many things to you that you’ll never be able to walk again!" armin said enthusiastically with dramatic shading over his eyes to make him look menacing. he was drooling furiously like a dog as he stood over the toaster oven looking at it sexily. armin started touching buttons and turning dials he then stuck his dick in the toaster oven. "oh yeah cook my dick, baby." armin moaned as immense heat came out of the toaster oven. armin eventually came into the toaster oven after making out with it for several minutes. "i hope you can turn me into cornbread baby!" he licked his lips and put the timer on all the way and crawled into the tiny kitchen apparatus.

"good god what is that smell?!?!" hange asked loudly. "the smell of crack cocaine and burning flesh." levi replied. "god dammit the kids are doing drugs again." daddy erwin sighed and went to go stop them. he couldn't have his precious children making terrible life choices, as if joining the scouts wasn't one of them already. levi and hange went to the kitchen to see what was burning. lo and behold, the damn toaster oven was on fire and so was armin. "for fucks sake not again." levi said and pulled armin out of the toaster oven. "armin what are you doing in the toaster oven?!?!?!" hange yelled. "c... cormbread..." armin said softly as if he was about to die. "you went into the toaster oven because you wanted cornbread?" levi asked unenthusiastically. "me... cormbread..." armin said and he started glowing. then all of a sudden the timer on the toaster oven went off and smoke filled the room. when the smoke cleared all that was left in levi's arms was a single piece of cornbread.

levi and hange just stared at the singular piece of cornbread in disbelief. “he... he really did it...” levi began and blinked twice. “he turned himself into a cornbread.” as soon as he spoke those words, a ferocious beast barged into the kitchen. she was ravenous and craved sustenance. “i hunger and i CRAVE!!” she began. the two turned around to see her, ignoring the actively burning fire coming from the toaster oven. “I CRAVE ARMIN.” sasha announced and in the blink of an eye she snarched cornbread armin and devoured him. “GRRRRRR snarl snarl snarl snarl ÄÆÀÅÅË!!!!” she screeched like a demonic beast eating its prey. then she finished eating him and went back to normal. she looked at hange and levi for a good 14 seconds before finally saying “i’m high on crack,” and left to do more drugs. 

“not only did we lose our crack cocaine to the kids, but we lost armin to a toaster oven and a feral squirrel. and where the hell is jean?! he was supposed to suck my toes ten minutes ago! that late pile of horse shit!!” levi said angrily as he reflected upon his day. the two had a moment of silence for those who have lost their sanity and lives on that day. “wanna take a bong trip?” hange offered. “yeah.” levi responded. they walked upstairs to the room they were in before and were greeted by a very defeated erwin. “you look like you were used as a titan’s chew toy.” levi observed. “i was unsuccessful in teaching the kids the dangers of crack cocaine. however that will not stop me from persuading them that drugs are bad.” erwin announced heroically. hange and levi ignored him and took a bong trip. armin is dead and the kitchen is up in flames the end.


End file.
